my life, as of late.
It’s the end of the first semester. My senior year, thus far, hasn’t been the hell I’ve imagined years previous, but as I begin to think about all of the things I’ve accomplished so far, it’s difficult to pluck out even just one particularly significant event.
Maybe that’s not the point. Maybe I don’t need just one significant event. Or two. Or three. Or fifty. Maybe it’s all supposed to add up to something significant. All of the pain I keep going over is simply what I had to endure to get to this point.
And what is this point? More pain? More confusion than ever? It seems the more I attempt to figure things out, the more hazy it all is.
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and my boyfriend, Christopher, is planning on staying the long weekend with me. The more we talk about the things we’re going to do, the more nervous I become. The more scared I am of rejection. Even when he treats me like a queen, I just can’t see it. I can’t see how I could possibly be desirable. Somehow he’s able to see past all of my melodrama and my far-from-perfect figure and just love me as me. It’s crazy, unfathomable to me.
As Spring approaches I find myself wanting more and more to get outside and do something - run, bike, longboard, walk, et cetera. My younger sister and I went to our local park by the river yesterday and counted the dead fish that had washed up on the shore. We lost track after something like 12. Hopefully I stick to this regimen of getting out and doing something other than sitting on my bed watching Jeffree Star makeup tutorials.
Until next time.