s u m m e r .

 

 

we are futureless.

It's the middle of summer, and I've just applied for a position at Fred Meyer. 
My mom took me to Fred Meyer a lot when I was younger, and we would go to the deli and eat lunch before grocery shopping. We used to spend a lot of time together, like that. 
It's very different now. 
I can't really describe the feeling I had after applying. I wasn't excited, but I felt accomplished. I'm dreading any sort of response, but I expect it, because I couldn't dare imagine the heartbreak of being turned down for an entry-level position that any average joe could work. 
I've never, ever imagined myself working - having a job. I've never wanted it, I don't think I ever will. I don't like talking to people, interacting with strangers, being put in a situation where people expect me to know what to do when someone reacts negatively, et cetera. It terrifies me. 
And yet, I'm thinking being put in that kind of situation will help me. 

Other than the stress of applying for jobs, I've been thinking about college a lot. What it'll be like, how I'll pay for it, etc. I prefer not to focus on it too much, but the thoughts of it linger. It's only a matter of time before I get there, and then maybe I'll begin to realize I can never go back to that comfortable place I used to be. 

No one talks to me anymore, aside from Christopher. But it's kind of hard to expect anyone to talk to you when no one knows you. It took so many years for me to realize the shockingly small number of people who know me. That is, my family, and Christopher. No online friends, no real life friends, no imaginary friends. Nothing. No one to talk to. That's probably why I find myself talking less and less as time passes. Because no one is there to listen. 

It's midnight.