pinkparade: (2)

my life, as of late.


It’s the end of the first semester. My senior year, thus far, hasn’t been the hell I’ve imagined years previous, but as I begin to think about all of the things I’ve accomplished so far, it’s difficult to pluck out even just one particularly significant event.

Maybe that’s not the point. Maybe I don’t need just one significant event. Or two. Or three. Or fifty. Maybe it’s all supposed to add up to something significant. All of the pain I keep going over is simply what I had to endure to get to this point.

And what is this point? More pain? More confusion than ever? It seems the more I attempt to figure things out, the more hazy it all is.

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and my boyfriend, Christopher, is planning on staying the long weekend with me. The more we talk about the things we’re going to do, the more nervous I become. The more scared I am of rejection. Even when he treats me like a queen, I just can’t see it. I can’t see how I could possibly be desirable. Somehow he’s able to see past all of my melodrama and my far-from-perfect figure and just love me as me. It’s crazy, unfathomable to me.

Absolutely insane.


As Spring approaches I find myself wanting more and more to get outside and do something - run, bike, longboard, walk, et cetera. My younger sister and I went to our local park by the river yesterday and counted the dead fish that had washed up on the shore. We lost track after something like 12. Hopefully I stick to this regimen of getting out and doing something other than sitting on my bed watching Jeffree Star makeup tutorials.


Until next time.

college

Jan. 8th, 2016 09:08 pm
pinkparade: girl with silver hair (Default)
 




college and what it all means

Last week, my father and I were driving down the road and suddenly, I thought I had figured everything out. I turned to him, and I said, “I think I’ve decided.”

His eyes were fixed on the road, but he glanced at me. “What’s that?”

“I think I’m going to stay here for two years and go to school at CBC.”

And at the time, it really did seem like the option I wanted to choose. At the time, it seemed like I had really figured everything out, at last. Like all of the years I spent agonizing over my choices and the decisions I needed to make and the plans I needed to formulate had finally come to an end, and I could wholeheartedly approach the future without the worries that had been haunting me since I entered high school.

And yet here I am, a week later, thinking over this so-called decision I’ve made, unsure if this is the future I want to approach. Unsure if there’s any possible future I’d entirely want to pursue one-hundred percent. And as I think about it, I really don’t think there is. And that scares me. That scares the thirteen year-old girl who wanted to be an astronaut. The fifteen year-old me who was determined to join the airforce to fly jets. The sixteen year-old girl who wanted to change the world, one environmental restoration project at a time.

It scares me. It scares all versions of me.

I don’t know if there will ever be a time in my life when all of these problems suddenly go away. Maybe that’s what life is: a constant struggle to figure everything you think you need to figure out. Maybe life would be a whole lot easier if everyone realized that you can’t figure everything out.

You simply can’t.


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Zoƫ. 18. Just trying to figure things out.
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